I struck up a conversation with an acquaintance at the park the other day.  Our daughters attend the same school- we have a friend in common-so I sort of kind of know her.  We both work with at risk youth-so we share stories about children who suffer unspeakable consequences of a life they were born into without ever knowing the circumstances they would have to survive-if ever they do.  There is a sadness about her-a hardship on her face.  She is stoic and always on a schedule.

Our conversation started out in the usual unspecific way park conversations start.  We both mentioned exhaustion, upcoming school events and the economy.  I went back to studying my script and she asked what the show was about-to which I replied:  “life, love, death and the stars……it’s about the inbetweens.”  She made the pleasantries about wanting to see the show and extended wishes for a successful run.  Then she sighed and shared she was an “inbetween”.  As a single mom-she said she was in between men. ….. inbetween decisions and inbetween various diets.  She sighed another sigh and threw out some snippets of spoken frustrations at her current inbetween-her inbetween,she said, seemed to be in an extended run.

I am in an inbetween.  I do not like these inbetweens.  I do not like the empty space of not knowing-or not even knowing what to do with the space.  It is adolescence and puberty all at once-in midlife.  It is heartache and unexpected surprises and not being able to do anything about either.  It is wanting to test the waters of what if and the acceptance of reality -and the wisdom to know the difference.  It is the comfort of what is and what has been and the undeniable discomfort of what could be-if I was willing to be selfish and irresponsible.  But I am not.  No matter the imprint.  There was a time in my life I was that selfish and juggled other peoples emotions to justify my own.   In the long run the residue of disappointment was not worth the reward of knowing what someone else felt like tangled up in my own parts.  Inbetweens make me reflect too much on the extremes…..when I should concentrate only on the simple.  But, like the scorpion, it is not in my nature-and I end up stinging the people I never intended to.

This particular inbetween will linger a while.  It is not and will not be pleasant. It will shift certain aspects of my deep knowing and I will end up on the other side of my inbetween a changed women. I am inbetween watching my mother fade away-as she lives in the inbetween of her old mind and the new one that will eventually erase all she knows.  I am inbetween knowing all the right things to do as her daughter-and wishing I could do more.  I am inbetween being immensely grateful for my life and unsatisfied with where I am in the mix of motherhood and self preservation.  I am inbetween overjoyed and underfulfilled.  I am inbetween being settled with mid life and knowing more is on the way.   I am in the inbetween.  Time to stock up on supplies.