no one ever tells you life will throw unexpected zings, darts? poison arrows? when you have the least amount of emotional capacity to deal with anything above and beyond the day to day.  But there, in the dark corners of things that make us go hmmmmm? or things that make us hum; hum? purr?stutter?pitterpat, skip a beat-miss a step…something,some thing, some one unexpected comes a taptaptapping at the door of guess what.   Things don’t tap at my door.  Things that affect me- someones that affect me bang the door down-in my world of guess what.  I had forgotten that. ( damn it) I don’t experience small affections………never have.  long been accused of being too sensitive;being too affected( afflicted?)  Things stick in my mind, pierce my heart(though that does sound more painful than it should) things get under my skin…..touches last, scents linger. I remember tastes. I am not good at hiding when shifts are in the midst.  I am not subtle in my attempts to act as if nothing has scratched any of my surfaces long grown over with the passing of time. In fact, the more I try to cover up the overgrowth-the undone-the unsaid- there I go feeling naked and shameless.  Onion girl that I really am.  Cover that shit back up.  NOW.

 Quick- gotta keep moving forward and act as if. I am responsible.  I am capable.  I am unavailable for anything above and beyond.  period.  Do not stop to ponder the absolutelyneverwillhappen.  Go home.  Turn the music up louder.  louder.  Sing out.  cry. sob.  repeat.

Hug my daughter-cuddle up beside her and fall asleep.  Sleep.  Sleep. Sleep.