This is me. 

Don’t you love the mornings that begin with vomit in three different places and that’s just from the cat?  And one of those places is dead center in the middle of your desk?

 I am beginning to really question parents who run onto the indoor soccer field at 9:30 on a Saturday morning to yell at their 7 year old child for missing the goal.  And it’s not just the dad.  I’ve seen a ca-razy mom do the same thing.  It’s recreational soccer people.  Get another hobby and STOP YELLING AT YOUR CHILD!!!  

I am beyond pissed off at people who feel they are entitled to whatever they want but they don’t want to work for it.  Most of these people sit on their ass and wait for the check to arrive in the mail-and then go spend it all on cheap crap they think they need…..I know people who make more off the government,doing nothing but watching Jerry Springer and drinking a Big Gulp-than I do going to work every day.  These are the same people who rip a stove out of the wall to scrap for cash and then wonder who is going to get them a new stove. And these people keep having children. And they see nothing wrong with a 22 year old having her second child-when she can’t afford the first- or the 19 year old who just had his fourth-with yet, another girlfriend. I am beyond being sympathetic to these people.  And I am a very sympathetic individual.  But enough is enough.  Get off your ass and work and stop having children.

Real Housewives.  I watch it.  It is like a bad accident and I can’t turn away from it. I watch it with true disgust and amusement. I Tivo to watch when I know I can’t stay awake.  BRAVO has gotten my attention.  Damn it. These women can not be real.  How did Bravo cast these collective groups of desperate women hanging on to something someone in TV Land invented.  Please tell me BRAVO sent out a wide casting call to find idiotic women willing to sell themselves short and appear so vain and unfunny. Or worse, forced funny.  Was it all for money?  What was the trade off ,to trade in your very being- or is this your very being on display?  Please tell me no.  Are there more of you like this out there and you all just represent this subgroup of women who have always secreatly wanted to be Alexis or Crystal?  They have got to have a script they are following-please tell me- carefully crafted that makes them appear so very shallow and surreal. Yes, I know this is the new brand of “star”-but trust me when I tell you- if there is a camera rolling, there is a craft service table, make-up and hair close by for close-ups, everyone’s agent re-negociating original negociations, someone counting the money, someone selling airtime and someone keeping the camera rolling.  This is show business.  The new show business…. which makes me hate this business even more than I do at this moment in time.  I know we are in trouble when a student says to me she wants to be a reality star. Forget formal training.  Who needs it anyway?  Yes, I know it is all about ratings and getting people to tune in- to watch the drama unfold-all dressed in silicone and prepaid outfits….and has anyone else noticed how much they drink in each episode?  God knows they must have to to quiet the teeny tiny voice buried inside that is begging them to getout now before they further damage whatever level of self respect is left. 

Would I do it, you ask?   No.  A very solid no.  And the truth of the matter is BRAVO would find my housewife life- or any of the other real, real housewives I know too terribly real and uninteresting to document.  Who really wants to watch us in our real, real lives-minus the liquid lunches, Botox appointments, PTO meetings, getting from here to there for soccer games, groceries, school, work and anything else that is so very crucial to our beings-but so very unglamourous. I mean, I do know some Bravo real housewives right here in this very town where I live-but we all laugh at them-or worse, feel sorry for them because we know how miserable these women are and we know it is all they can do to maintain.  I have personally felt the wrath of one-it was not pretty-or worse- it was pathetically sad. She doesn’t like me-she has made that clear.  I don’t dislike her-but I can’t stand to be in the same room with her without wanting to either shake her out of her unreal or worse, laugh out loud at her demands for attention. I have heard she’s real fun at parties.

 I’d take all the women I know who are real housewives and put them up against those Orange County bitches any day.  Let’s see them stack wood, work, tend to our husbands without shaming them, worry about real life, desperately care about our children and their well-being-all this without a single camera rolling or taking a mid afternoon break for a cocktail.   Wait, maybe a cocktail-and for sure a glass of wine-but not at 1pm.  Bring it on OC…and get real.  Really, real.

“And So It Goes” will be a weekly post to bitch about the things that are making me scream.  Feel free to send me your contributions and I will post them as well.