twomoredaysofschool-checkthisoffthelist-great- drop off-pick up- off to the  gym- get on that stupid ass machine-just do it- I can’t -can to- okay.okay…….elipse me already. Shuffleschuffleipod- schuffle again…ch-ch-changesturnandfacethestrange……….strange.  Very strange.   OHMYGOD I have got to get my roots done- speed dial Paul- amazing Paul…..root repair on the way- but wait- maybe something else?- Highlights for my low lights?  check the brow…fine…back to biceps, triceps, one for pulling to- one for pushing away….both need to be stronger. Turn up the volume- louder still. Am I getting shorter?  This is a short mirror.  I look tired.  Too tired.  Stop.  Look away from the mirror.  Look away from the what ifs and why not’s dancing through  my head-tapping away at the hours I should be sleeping. Pull on this for the upper back.  Backless dress season is upon us. Pack-have I packed? No- ONE suitcase for us both- damn airlines- cram it all in and think about what is already there-7?  how did she get to be 7 so soon?  How are we going to afford private school?  College?  Public school for now?  I want the best for her-my list is long.   Too much cortisol-too little iron- order holy basil- ancient Indian rememdy..remedies. Daily rituals-neither is working.  Stubborn belly fat is not a myth.  “I am just fine thank-you?  How are you?”  Overly optimistic people worry me.  Sick of Jon and Kate and I have never even seen one episode-fame is a vapor. sick of world news-old news any news-silent vow to shut off the TV for 21 days-it won’t happen-but I will still try.   open the windows- let the damp air funnel in-and while you are at it open those chakra’s……let it go let it all go……ohplease.  Earthbounds, spirit bounds, clearing and cleansing-keep the channel open. I am sore.  Achybreaky sore. I used to run marathons.  Plural.   Just two.more. on. the ab machine-“left a good job down in the city”

I am going to cry. I don’t know why but I feel it.  All this inhaling and exhaling.  That cry right there in the middle of your throat.  The bubble.  Bubbling up?  What the fuck is this?  Menopause?  But it can’t be-my mother was much, much older when she went through “it”. 

Thank you Tina…..proud marymothermay I.  May I please-just move on through this transition of? …..oh great.  Maybe I am depressed.  Look that up online at some point today. EVERYONE IS DEPRESSED.  Never have been depressed ever……maybe this is what this is all about.  Alfie?  Everything is a lyric of every song I have ever known in my head.  Make reservations.   Reschedule.  Restructure.  What would I like to direct?

 Mom?  What to do with mom?  Hospice in for the duration-am I?  I need to ask her some questions-before it all goes or I’ll never get the answers. Am I that brave?  This is not about courage-but more about knowing. Do I need to know? Let it go-let it all go. Forgive.  Forgive.  Where exactly is my third eye?  Just be happy Gloria, for God’s sake be happy. Check in with brothers.  New job?  New life?  Under too much pressure?  Will one ever, ever get it together or end up dead?  What the hell went wrong? Still reeling from the fathers day call.  Narsissism is not a good character trait to have.  Dad.  What went wrong?  Why do phone conversations with my father still upset me when I least expect it.

Ten more.  Ten more supersolidpilateslike crunches designed to tone.  Taunt.  Tone.  OHMYGOD.  I just need to-wait- check the time- gotta go.  Am I someone that I used to know?  Do I look as sad as that woman over there?  Make it go away or make it better.  ” Chchchchanges, turn and face the strange”.

Rain, more rain.  18th day of rain.  Don’t forget to pick up incontinent medicine. FOR THE DOG.  Touch base with,check in with, put the stamps on, write the letter for, thank-you note to, and yes, my daugher would love to attend the ice cream social after school-thank-you,  oh. not everyone is invited?  Only the girls.  Girls and ice cream.  But not all the girls.  Okay? Okay.  Gotta go other line ringing.  Not sure I really understood that conversation. 

Good mother, good wife, good daughter. Task completer.  Finish the book, one woman show, budget, application, bio.  End one career and begin another.  Become the becoming-but not the sterotype. No sterotypical midlife crisis here.  Please God no.  And why do I keep talking to God?  Reality shows have changed the face of reality. Replace the depleted.  With what?  Wondering what.  Sabatical from what?  To where?  Connect.  Reconnect.  Recharge.