Most recently I have been living in a vortex of despair. This is new to me. I have known moments of despair-even ongoing episodes and chapters of despair, but I have been able to move beyond the despair and well, get on with it. I think, however, life was getting too much-too much of a constant chaos. Again, not prepared like I thought I would be. I handle chaos well. I handle crisis well. But these two soul suckers served up in a combo platter- is a meal I have dined on for too long. No one tapped me on the shoulder to tell me to take a break from it all-or better yet- how to.
But here is what happens when the taptaptapping does not tap: Suddenly, the residue of chaos hangs like a smelly, dirty over sized sweatshirt. Interest of any kind, in any thing takes a holiday, carbohydrates are consumed in every meal-every snack break, every thought: the saltier, fattier the better. Fast food looks appealing and I don’t eat fast food. Unless you count the time I was 18 weeks pregnant and had to have Taco Bell- don’t ask me why-but it was damn good. To hell with exercise-bring on the chardonnay and if I smoked, I am sure I would light up and assume the smokers pose. Then, like a thick fog, scented with funk-I am surrounded by an unknown element. Can’t I just pretend I am in an old Elizabeth Taylor movie- with a drink of somekind in one hand and a cigarette in another? Can’t I sit back, hurl insults, cry and then laugh miserably as my stupor sets in-my misery stupor?
No. I don’t wear that smelly, dirty sweatshirt well. Nor do I wear worry and fear well either-though I would chomp at the bit playing a really good Elizabeth Taylor role. So I rally and take action. There is something that happens to your brain when it has been repeatedly bombarded by crisis, chaos and tremendous stress. Even the best and the brightest can’t function-at least those with a conscious. The brain stops producing all the good juice. As if pouring salt on the wound of the soul helps-but I suppose it is a way to protect the gray matter from shattering. Self preserving the self? In an odd sort of way, I think so. There I sat in the doctors office relating the situations of the last 8 months-and the everyday situations of carrying on life in a way that is productive and essential. Yes, I know, it is what hundreds of us do every day. Clearly, she was amazed I was able to walk in the door-much less function. A testament to my work ethic or my stubbornness I am not sure-but maybe even a whiff of not wanting to be a bother? Not wanting to accept the fact that the last few months have been brutal. And, I needed help. Or could this really be my ability to push forward-chaos be damned? I know that when your mother is dying there is no way around not facing this particular chapter. Especially if you are responsible for overseeing her health care-which is a whole other bliggigdidy blog-and if you are now your mothers guardian, which is a whole other set of the stuff that weighs heavy on a heart.
“Make no mistake”, someone very wise said to me, “this will be the hardest thing you will face.” She went on, in a mademenervousstraightforward manner,
“Despite what you think-and despite how you think you are grieving now-watching the process now-and waiting now- and seeing that everything is in order now- it will not prepare for you for when.”
I think on some level I know this. I know it well. I feel it on a very strange intuitive level. Is it because I am the only daughter- the oldest, the first born? I don’t know. But I feel it. Not because I am any more closer to my mother than my brothers, in fact, I would argue that I am not-but I see it in her eyes and I feel it when I am around her. I know she will choose her own time and way. I think we all know this. It’s that damn southern will-that which she inherited from her own mother( though she will never confess it) that certain sustainable will. That will that I have and that same superwillgene I see in my daughter ( thank God). It serves us well-this will. It is the will to survive and find a way-for ourselves or for others. It is the will to make a house where you find it-to hell with ex-husbands( hers) and hurricanes( too many). It is the will to know your children will be okay-all of them. It is the will to know when-and not one day or night before.