For the life of me I could not imagine why my mom put me in charge of her life.  Or for that matter, her death.  But there it was in black and white, signed and sealed, stamped with legal authority saying so.  She was leaving me in charge of all things pertaining to her health and when necessary, her death. She laid it out so perfectly plain and simple-so simple and so premature, I did not even bother to read through the protocal- when it first arrived in the mail several years ago.  I filed it away…I mean,we all knew she would be around forever.  She who battled life at its worst and survived-certainly would be around for a long, long time.  Sadly, this has not been the case.   And, then, back in May 2007 when things took a dramatic and unexpected turn-I took out those legal documents and read each and every line.

Holy Shit.

Mom!  Why?  Why did you put me in charge or all these very difficult and so carefully thought out plans of yours?  Your living and dying?  Your line by line items of wishes-living while dying?.  I thought to myself as I read and reread her detailed requests.  I should have known.  Though not detailed in her emotions sometimes-my mom always had a way of writing out the fine tune imprint of her heart.  Obviously, she had taken a great deal of time in laying out what was to be towards the end of her time.  Just as she did back in 1994- when she took out graph lined paper and hand wrote a letter to all of her children detailing her wishes should we ever have to face the day.  The day that looms now.  The when. 

And just in the way I manage a theater company, a production, my own life, the life of my family- I set out to methodically manage the details of my mothers death.  The last two and a half years have not been easy at all.  Anyone who tells you taking this head on with heart and doing it with grace is easy- clearly has not dealt in the realm of reality of death.  Watching your mother disappear, being in the procession of an ongoing funeral, while managing her details of living while dying is the hardest thing I have ever had to do.  Ever. BUT, not for the reasons you might think.  It is for the reasons that no one, not anyone, talks about-until long after someone has died.

The surrounding circumstances of death and dying bring out the worst in people. I had heard that, and I expected it from the ususal suspects-and true to form, they have not disappointed.  It has been battling, and yes, I chose that word, carefully, the ones I thought would obviously be in support of my mother’sright to die the way she wants.  Especially in light of how carefully mom went through the steps to make it so. I think what happens, as in the case of my mothers sister, is guilt begins to play a role in choice-and there on the path of impending death-all the things you should have done begin to play in to how you proceed to make it right.  And instead of making things right in the name of peace, you begin to show just how nasty you can be to show you care-when in fact-it’s just guilt.  Going against the very thing my mother does not want is not the way to show you care-here, now in the final hours.

I did not expect this.  I did not expect the extra hours of dealing with the difficulty of other people’s issues in the midst of grieving for my own mother-while she is living.

Why mom?  Why did you put me in charge of all this?  I finally said to her, cuddled up against her, there on her spot on the sofa, cuddled up against her teeny tiny frail body.

And in that moment, the mom we all knew-the same one we miss so much as we look into her eyes, lifted up my chin and said:

I knew you could handle this.  I knew you could handle all of this. I knew they would have to get through you first.

And there it was. The sense of peace of knowing I was doing the right thing by honoring her living and her oh so close to dying wishes.  She raised me right.  She, in the years of being the mom had seen me battle other matters of the heart and soul and somehow she knew I would get her through this one too-get through it all with heart and soul in tact.

Not easy. Not one bit of it.  But is it the right thing to do.  It is grace and peace wrapped up in the box of  unconditional love,memories and years to come.  It is knowing that as I honor my own mothers wishes-so too will my daughter learn to honor my wishes as they come to be.  And as if I needed to affirm all of this?  A small piece of paper fell out of two pictures as I was going through oodles of photos my mom collected over the years. Mom would put them in piles of where they needed to go next-usually whatever town or city each of her children were living in at the time.  But there, on a well worn and dog eared index card, was a quote she thought important enough to jot down and save.

“one of life’s greatest pleasures, even better than getting what you want, is being able to give someone you love what they want or need”.

Such is the gift to let live and to let die.