“My mother wanted me to be her wings, to fly as she never quite had the courage to do.  I love her for that.  I love the fact that she wanted to give birth to her own wings.”-Erica Jong.

In this ongoing, very long chapter in my book of life I come face to face with the very heart of what this whole mother daughter thing is all about as I watch my mother die and my daughter grow into her own person.  Me, in the middle.  I could not have asked for this-and would only wish it on those with the strongest conviction  and belief in the process of life and living.  In the ongoing of living while dying-and doing it on only the terms that work best for you.

The Erica Jong quote does not necessarily apply to mother.  Her father taught her to fly-and at a very young age.   I am sure she looked courage head on and met the match.  In home movies, she seemed oblivious to anything but happiness.  There in the mid to late 50’s, in love and married-going to school, working and having babies. Her terms.  But somewhere along the way, after the big chunk of raising a family, maintaining a marriage and working, something happened.  I think my mother replaced courage with complacency and making everyone else happy, at all costs.  Especially hers.  She taught all of us, her children, how to fly and supported us along the way-an extra push when needed-extra wind when we had none.  And fly I did.  Fly I have.  I took her lost courage and gave it wings too.

I don’t think for one second she regrets her clipped wings- knowing she raised us well enough to care for her now, at the end, on her terms, giving her a final flight of fancy- which has taken nothing but courage-from all of us.

It took me this long to look at life with enough wing span to fly right.  It took me this long to teach my own daughter to fly, even now-with wings so little-to fly and have the courage to land, again, and again, and again.  It took me this long to see the courage it takes to die-to fight for breath-to remember nothing except the deepest long held memories. It took me this long to know there is no shame in learning to fly-no shame in taking hold of courage. Most importantly, it took me this long to realize there is no cost too high for living on your own terms-even if it is while you watch your mother die.

Thanks mom.