There comes a time in a woman’s life when you need to dress all up in your glad rags, get a really good manicure, lift your hand just so and wave a few people good-bye. It’s over. So long. Farewell. Forget about the wind at your back-just don’t let the door hit you in the ass. Leave. Move on. I’ve done what I could. I don’t want to pretend-don’t want to play nice. Ain’t gonna work anymore. Fo Shizzle. It’s happened to me-though I never really understood the reasons why. But I am good with it. Really. My first college roommate did not even wave goodbye-snotty blue blood that she was-she just packed up her shit and left. “Too happy” was all she told the house mom-or mum-as it was in our case when asked why she left. They found her a solo room across campus. She left me a reminder note taped to the bathroom mirror we shared over the sink. “LOSE” it said. Taped just where I would see it. “NOT LOOSE”- as in you need to LOSE some weight.” Referring to a note I had left her only days before reminding her not to loose something or other-hell if I can remember what it was-but I sure do remember that note. Funny how that works. Fine I thought. Leave. Take your damn fancy black soap that leaves a residue EVERYWHERE and be gone.
The rest of my semester was wonderful.
There was a time when I thought it really meant something to have a great many people in your life. And then I learned about real friendships and the field narrowed down to very few. They are still in my life. And as life would have it-and despite it taking damn near until my mid forties-I learned it is nearly impossible to change people. You can not fix them. You can not give them grace or compassion. It is learned. The hard way. You can not give them brilliance. It is won-the creative way. And you can not save them from themselves. Sadly, there are very few who learn that-easy or hard as it may be. And then you become a mom. Or a working woman. Or both. And it all changes again. Or does it.
Facebook-the evil pleasure that it is will lead you to think the more friends you collect-the better you are. I held out for sometime- I confess because I was not comfortable with the whole friend thing-and my brother warned me about the privacy thing. And then there was that horrible and ego-laden task of “friending” and the guilt of “unfriending”. Forget the waving of goodbye. In a click( or multiple clicks) you say goodbye. I mean really? Oh. And. Full disclosure: I have recently gone on a cleaning spree, if you will and unfriended quite a few people who were not really my friends and becoming more of my enemy. I got sick and tired of hearing about how miserable or absolutleyfabulous life was for them.Or the many divorces. Or the “read between the lines and guess what I am saying” updates. The airing of the dirty laundry. Then there was the comment from one of my friends who was sure I was going to hell because of what I believed. And the crazy young actor who was sure we would never meet again and felt it was their young twenty something duty to tell me off but good. Via private message. Lots of them She was on a roll-bless her unmedicated heart. Talented? You bet. Crazy? As a three dollar bill.
Certainly these are no friends of mine.
My tribe is small. And goes back for many years. I have said goodbye-with a nod and a wave -to family and friends who I could no longer help on any level-and for that matter no longer wanted to. The cost was too much for me and my sense of self. I wanted my tribe to mean something. To be there for a reason-a purpose that is beyond a number-deeper than a Christmas card-once a year. More meaningful than forgetting that Christmas card. I have a small tribe-who are big in heart, rich in soul and integrity-righteous in justice and worldly in compassion. I like it this way. I love them this way. Each of them a link to some part of me. None of them I have ever had to nod and wave good-bye-unless it was until the next time. I like it this way.