It has been 15 days.  It feels like 15 years. The air does not smell the same despite the hint of a new season on the horizon. Nothing tastes the same and food does not go down easily nor does it stick around.  Your breath goes sour and your bowels reject any kind of nourishment. No one tells you that. A slow hum lingers in your mind. It. Is. Always. There.  It is not the sweet hum of a long time memory. It is the slow hum of absolute grief.  It is louder than anything-especially the beating of your heart and the whisper of breath. You will not shower for days after that last day you felt the touch, the kiss, the scent of your husband-clinging to the last bit of life left on your body. Your chest will hurt-ache- from the non stop crying and gut wrenching sobbing.  This kind of crying is different than any other kind of crying you will ever do.  No one tells you that.  This kind of crying goes on and on and it comes and goes in waves.  It is quick and sharp.  Tears stream  and salt drips into the wounds that seem like they will never heal because something somewhere rips off the scab of any hope of healing. You will age overnight. You will never look the same. You will check on your child just like you did when she was an infant-every hour-every second to see if she is still breathing-if she is okay- if she is sleeping soundly as she should.  You will tread on pins and needles.You will wonder what to say-how to say it-so it does not trigger, alarm, set off an emotional onslaught.  You will curse, scream and throw fury at the stillness of a house that is now way too quiet-even if it was the quiet that was craved from time to time.  You will wonder how you will ever find a glimmer of anything joyful.  Some will treat you like this is a divorce-this unexpected death-and some will compare pain and challenge you to defy what they feel as if they have any idea what has taken hold of you and knotted you up into a ball of unanswered questions and any last bit of resolve.  No one tells you that.  Your pace will slow. You will not sleep uninterrupted. Your brain will not compute. Your heart will break every minute and somewhere in your being you know it will glue itself back together and never be the same.  You will never be the same.  You will never be the same.