It has been nineteen months and 21 days in the land of before and after.  I have been both a passenger and driver on this highway of what happens when someone you love commits suicide;when your husband commits suicide.  There are no wrong ways, there are no u turns, there are no stop lights. Destination unknown.  I am discovering, when trauma comes to live in your house of houses, there is but one way:  You merge.  You emerge. You keep going.

Here is what these months and days of before and after really feel like on the road to recovering.

It is raw. There will be days when the rawness eases into a smoother edge but the raw component will remain. There is no remedy.  I have tried them all, twice, three times, if I liked them.  Time is the most precious of remedies, and we have lost our relationship with time and the way she moves.

There are those who will tell you what you need and there are those who will ask you.  Go with the latter, unless of course you are paying the former, in which case, be as honest, painstakingly honest, as possible. It is worth every penny.

Come to understand life continues to happen.  There will be life, there will be death, loss, unexplained twists and turns requiring you to show up and be accounted for in the day to day. If you remain in the living, life will ask you to do just that. Live. The guarantees of knowing the sublime do not change.  There are no guarantees. There are no absolutes. However, if you choose to be among the living, the sublime is already there. Trust me.  I know this.

There will be some days when others will try and out pain you. Let them.  And then leave them. There is no competition in the world of grief, pain, loss and trauma. There is nothing to be gained from winning this delicate, complicated mix of emotions. If anyone wants to claim that title, let them. Be graceful, be grateful and be gone.

In this same vein:  Others you love and care for will come to understand this delicate complicated mix of emotions. Let them know you are there and then give them room.  Bake a pie, a casserole, leave flowers, a note, a thought or two, give them a hug, a reminder we are all connected and them give them room.

On that day, that horrific day nineteen months and 21 days ago, I let out a primal scream I still feel to this day.  It shows up as a constant buzzing in my ears and a dull ache in the center of my being.  These manifestations of sensory overload used to drown out all other sensations. The buzzing is still there, which I suspect will be for a long,long time, however, I am now able to hear the sounds of other things signaling promise, hope, joy, seasons and change.  The ache remains, not as heavy, not as overbearing, but it is there and I have stopped trying to force it to be gone.  I breathe deeper because of this ache and this is what I am willing to live with on the road to emerging.

Life will challenge you in ways you never thought possible.  You will scream at the cycles and circles of life.  You will beg for a swift recovery.  There is none.  Do not fool yourself for one minute when trauma sleeps it has gone away completely. It is there, it is here to stay.  You can either emerge or submerge.  Neither one will be easy, so take that request right out of the equation.  Neither one will be quick, so commit to the ebb and flow.  Do everything you need to do to remain in the living and then do it again, and again, and again until there begins a small shift in your understanding of what was and what is.

If you choose to emerge, you will not be spared the delicate nature of life and all it has to offer. You will transform. You will be caught off guard by the continual of living.  You will be reminded every day of two distinct times:  before and after.   The before will get more distant and this will be scary.  The before will make you angry and you will stop at nothing to connect the dots, to find the missing answers, to solve the puzzle, the riddle, the hidden meaning.  You may find bits and pieces, but you will also come to understand you must stop trying.  It will not matter anymore in the after.  The before will remind you of love unstoppable, and yet, in the case of suicide, it will also remind you unstoppable love was not and never will be enough.

The after is in the emerging. In the celebrations however small, in the gratitude, in the milestones, in the living, in the life and in the death. The after does not save you from exhaustion, the mundane, the frustrations, the demands of being in the present, it offers up something hard to define and grab hold of in a tangible way.  You will soften in your strength.  You will continue to suffer in the soul, but with more courage.  You will have the will of a thousand wishes, whispered into the stars, and you will choose to see them come to life.  Nothing will change, and everything will, at the same time. This is the after. The altered after.  This is life.