I have found myself in the cycle of closing circles. I am in the midst of closing the gaps- however small, or wide, in the circles of my life.Two years of good-byes makes for an interesting wardrobe. It may sound simple, but letting go of the familiar is not an easy task. I sit in the easy chair, happy to sink into the cushion that allows for a softer place to sit, and at the same time, makes it more difficult to get up and move forward. So I adjust. I find the wiggle room. I get up and roam around the rooms of where I live now.
One minute I am this, clearly defined and able, racing towards the next chapter, saying yes to the invitations and off I go into the unfamiliar. The new. The next minute I am begging to get back to the way things were, back to who I was,the familiar, the known, even though I know this is no longer an option. I am not her any more.Let me just say this out loud as I write.
I am not her any more.
One minute I am certain of what this is, possibilities all a swirl in the ether’s above my brain space, and the next I am clueless in the context and content of my life. One minute I am carefree and running wild,dancing over bridges and skipping down paths, the next I am mired in the what if’s and why not’s.
I am dancing the transition tango. In ill fitting shoes, short legs, and an ugly dress.
Would I be here anyway despite the complicated trauma of losing my husband to suicide? Will the sticky residue of loss always be attached to my innards, or will it one day give way to the magic dust that settles when we all face the impact of change? My nature and nurture have always done a dance,a wicked watoocy of shimmies and step kicks. I dance between what is my indestructible will to carry on verses the stench of piss, vinegar, and circumstance. I might as well go along with the steps, and simply change the music. Find a new rhythm. Is this the midlife shuffle when I am bound to question everything anyway?
Why not let it all go?
Let it all go.
I know how to land on my feet.