Does This Grief Make My Ash Look Too Big?

What do you see? In this Rorschach test of scattered blots in the grand scheme of grief, in this projective splat of sorrow. What do you feel as the residue of ash gets down deep into the ache of bones,and blood and brain matter, making the years seem like lifetimes in the blurry vision of being in the living? Let me share with you a thing or three about moving on when loss, complicated ongoing loss leaves smeared ashes all over the place.

1. If you choose to remain in the living after surviving the unimaginable, there are no guarantees living will be ash free. Living for damn sure will not be loss free. Just as life goes on, so does loss. Not one of us will escape it. If you choose to sweep away the ash in any form or fashion, the residue remains. There is no rug, no doormat, no crevice that will hide the ash. I chose to live with the ash. It has not been easy.
2. If you choose to remain in the living, you have to become one with the ashes of rage. Screaming, howling, smelly,spitting rage. You will know regret, fear, exhaustion, lost hope, disappointment, failure, and deep, deep sorrow. There is a strange place of being that becomes invisible, and no matter how beautiful the day, how fresh the air, how clear the water, the residue of ash leaves a little bit of grit on the lens. Like that one spot on a pair of glasses, your favorite pair of glasses, that blurs the line of vision.
3. If you choose to remain in the living, you will want to go back to the past, to the woman you used to be, but she’s gone. And that’s okay. The past is gone and it needs to stay gone-because the woman that was there, is no longer you. Thank that woman, show her some damn grace, close the book and let the woman with the big ash through. She is marked with the sign of survival and she will trip and fall, but she is strong and has drawn a line in the ashes of what is. The residue of that woman, and all that got her to where she was and where she is stays with you. Leave the past in the past and tend to the woman with the big ash.
4. If you choose to remain in the living, loss stays. Triggers stay. People will continue to disappoint you, you will not get the jobs you wanted. You will leave familiar ground, because it is time.You will master the art of discernment( which ain’t easy), you will leave people where they are, you will step onto ground that is not solid. You will keep close only those who know the depths of the real you and the others will live with the ash of knowing better. You will continue to keep your heart open without any guarantee it will break again, and again, and a hundred times more.
5. If you choose to remain in the living, you will become older, while the ones who left remain in the ash of whatever it was on that exact day, on that exact time, with however the air felt, how the sun was shining, what music was playing, whatever ash from their own residue took them to the place of no return. The winds of change don’t blow that ash away, ever. We will change, tend to what needs tending, we move, we grow, we accept( or not), we ask for help( or not), we create, we love some more, we cry and scream and wail. We remain in the living.
6. If you choose to remain in the living, no one tells you, at some point, ashes from the layered, complicated traumatic loss hiding in the broke down place of your soul, will have an ash party with other lingering ashes of loss and it ain’t no party. It’s a fucking ash dust storm and you can’t run for cover. Ash will settle in your lungs, but you will keep breathing. Ash accumulates. Ash accumulates because you think to yourself, okay, well, if I just do this, then that pile of ash will go away and then I can go on with the living. Because you think, okay, I am going to finger paint, or draw, or go back to acting, or justdosomething with this ash, this dark, deep ash, create a work of art from the remains of myself and then frame that work of art and life will get back to…..( imma stop you right here), because, I am here to tell you, life will not get back to whatever it is or was, is not a sentence for those who remain in the living. Trust me.
7. If you remain in the living,here is the real twist and turn on this particular highway not to hell but to hope, the complicated loss of losing someone you love through suicide does not mean you will never bare the heaviness of other kinds of loss. Loss remains. It just means, somewhere on that ash laden highway, your heart opens up a little more, you protect your soul and the ones you love without hesitation, you decide what works and what never will, you make peace with those you will never forgive, wish them well and keep on moving forward. You isolate on harder days (yes, even after 8 years, there are hard, empty days- to those of you who keep saying to me I should be or should not be one way or the other). You swim in the salt water. You snotcry(still), you get angry,you say yes to the possibilities, and you also say no. You stop doing for others and you do for you. You create something new. You stop playing the nice game. You ask more questions. You choose, you choose, you choose. You make friends with your vulnerability,you get stronger in some ways and weaker in others, you stay committed to the truth of who you are. You become masterful at living with the residue of ash, because it will never leave.You stumble. You fall. You will not recognize yourself. This I know now.
8. If you choose to remain in the living you will be asked to settle.With life, with work, with others, with yourself. You will know this because it will never, not once feel right in your innards and you will think wellllll, maybe I should( imma stop you right there), because I have come to learn that complicated loss and trauma somehow become toxic friends with should and suddenly you find you are shoulding yourself all over the place which is not only heavy with ash, but it stinks to high heaven( if heaven even exists). When I find myself in the land of should, I step back and take a look and nine times out of ten, I have stepped in a big pile of should, because when we have hope after being covered in ash, we think we should be nice,we should forgive, we should show-up, say yes, let it go, unhear what was just said, we should or should not. We should stay because sometimes should smells sweet-but make no mistake, it ain’t sugar. And if you think ash leaves a mark, try shoulding yourself for the umpteenth time.
9. If you choose to remain in the living, the questions get bigger and harder and come at you with each and every phase of being in the living. Sometimes there is no answer. That’s it.
10. If you choose to remain in the living, you will decide to love again. And if you think grief makes my ash pile look big, you should see my love! Love remains. Love is bigger than my ash pile. I have never, not once lost my ability to love. Grief just made it stronger.more focused, more precise.And on that road you will meet others with their own ash pile.They might make you think thisisit-chooseme, and you might think, who else will want me and my ash pile?,so you dive in and realize, nope. You fooled me for a minute, but, nope. Not what I want, not my mess to clean up, or fix. Let them clean up their own ash. You owe them nothing( see #8). You will listen as other people ask why you are not dating( I am…..you should see what’s out there(see #8). Why have you not remarried yet?( I may never) Are you still attracted to men?( Yes, please). To women?( not my pond). They will set you up with someone(s) and you will think to yourself, whatwerethesepeoplethinking???? You will meet someone(s) for drinks or dinner and somewhere in the conversation, you will say, Ineedtoleavethisisnotworking and you say thank you and you leave. You will listen as men with big ash piles gone unattended for years try and be funny with unfunny things, or make plans for you and the rest of your life and tell you what YOUSHOULDBEDOINGANDWEARING. You will cringe when you hear age appropriate men say to you(just to let you know, wink-wink) Ineverdateageappropriatewomenbecausemydickissobig (we know where this conversation went, right?)You will understand it is better to be alone than in bad company. If you choose to remain in the living with complicated grief and sorrow and regret and rage, you also choose to live with love and a big ass pile of ash. You choose, and choose and choose.