“You are nothing but a bitch” And after not so much of a blink of an eye, I responded, “That’s Ms. Bitch to you.”
Let’s go kick some ass.
Yesterday, my daughter got in the car and after a few moments of silence-she said to me,” well, she’s at it again.” And then she started to cry.
My Ava has been the target of a nine year old she devil. It actually started in third grade and I thought, after numerous times of sorting it all out, that said she devil would go away. But no, she was back with a vengeance. At nine, this child seems to know it all and has a problem with those who refuse to listen to her. While 90% of her is all verbal-most of what she says packs as much a punch as if it were a right hook indeed.
The child’s mother has admitted in a meeting her precious she devil “has a problem with your daughter” –“besides,” she said, taking a drag off her cigarette, “my baby is just being a girl.” “And, she said, looking at me, your daughter is such a tomboy.” Another drag from her cigarette. There is only one other time I wanted to rip someone’s head off-both had to do with attacking my daughter.
Yesterday, when my daughter wanted to be Martin Luther King for a classroom reading-said she devil raised holy hell in front of the class and made sure to let Ava know how she felt about it. “you can’t play him-you are a girl”…and then it went on to other things I refuse to repeat. It would be one thing if the she brat was acting solo-but no, she has an entourage of three. Little mouths spewing grown up words not knowing the impact they carry. Shame on them. More shame on the women who are raising them.
I am done with the female bullying epidemic. It’s got to go. It is nothing new; it’s just in the news more and more- so everyone is riled up on the topic. Everyone is vowing to take a stance. Since when does being a super bitch win a prize?
I was bullied in third grade. I still remember every exact detail. I can still see the faces of the three girls who cornered me in the green grey tiled bathroom. It was not what they did-it was what they said. I don’t remember how it was every resolved. Isn’t that something? I was not bullied again until high school-but by then I had a better handle on who I was and while it was still horrific-it did not torment me like it did in third grade. High school was the last time I remember actual bullying. After college-and then on to the real world-bullying was called other things: Harassment. Insecurity. Low Self Esteem. Poor People Skills.Arrogance. It was bullying. And it was nothing new. Mean girls are mean girls and mean girls learn from mean mothers. Mean girls grow up to be super nasty super bitches-they just get better at slinging the arrows.
Just recently, me and some of my besties, ranging in ages from late 20’s to 40 sat around sipping wine and wondered, out loud, what is it that makes women so nasty? Those shades of nasty that go from right in your face to subtle little remarks that linger. Little posts disguised as status updates. Jealousy posing as “advice”. And my personal favorite: Concern smothered in a patronizing hug-complete with a slight pout.” Ohhhhhhhhhh, they will say, looking at you with sad eyes, “Are you okay???” And you know they don’t care. Not one bit. Are grown women really this miserable? Is reality TV to blame? All those real housewives weekly on display behaving badly for fame and fortune? Inflated lips with inflated egos. I personally think they sold their souls to the ratings devil. And might I add, no amount of plastic surgery and no amount of filler works on an empty soul. The price of fame? Of importance?
Yes, I know there are exceptions-but in the work I do and have done for years, and from seeing first hand the nasty daughter to nasty mom ratio-the exceptions are rare. AND, the bullying is starting earlier and earlier. And if you think for one second girls are not as mean as boys when it comes to bullying- think again. Our middle school is deep in the mean girl thick of things. Girls threatening to stab one another and leaving bomb threats on a bathroom wall. Role models indeed.
Our high school is having a run of girl bullies too. I know who they are and I have seen what they do. I have also been fortunate enough( said with loaded sarcasm) to see how their moms treat the world ( and their daughters, if you want to get right down to it) Daughter does what mommy does. It is all they know. They actually think their brand of cruelty is original. Especially with the influx of media and technology. No one has told them what they lack in originality and courage-has simply been replaced with a text or status update. It has all been done before. Technology just gives them a cowards distance.
I have long suspected schools are taking on more and more social services. Merely getting an education is moving further down the list of what schools provide. Students are parenting lousy parents, working incredible hours to supplement family income, getting pregnant and dropping out all together and getting lost in the media blitz of reality television. Getting lost, period. It does not take an education to be an idiot-or for that matter a bully. It takes a heck of lot of insecurity and fear. Daughter does what mommy teaches. But what is it exactly? What is that thing that trickles down from mother to daughter that becomes the lowest point of teaching? Of becoming just like mom?
Daughter does what she learns and if what she learns is blaming, and spitting upon and lying-then it is to be expected. One mom in particular,gem that she was,wanted a school to fire me because “I did not treat her daughter like the star she was” The list of claims this mom had went on to read like a page ripped from the diary of an 8th grade girl sure the world was against her. I thought it was a joke. But no,there it was, this list of things, hand written by the mother-turned in to the principal. It was embarrassing for me to read. I actually began to feel sorry for the woman. She was still stuck in 8th grade. And raising not one but three daughters.
“Well, then”, psychologists will say, “we have to teach the parents”-
“We must go after the parents and teach them” “Educate them”
Won’t work. Those very parents will not attend a workshop, symposium, or training session designed to point out the obvious.
“Don’t tell me how to raise my kids” they will yell across the room. And the cycle will continue.
So we must raise our daughters to be more self confident. More certain of choice. More empowered by who they are and to value that power. We must never miss an opportunity to show them the strength of courage, the impact of kindness, the wisdom of education from every available source. We must raise super women-and let them know they can be anything, even Martin Luther King.