….and words will never hurt me. Yeah. Right. This adage is not so true anymore. Maybe it never was. After working with adolescents for many years and hearing the verbal slings and arrows thrown( mostly from females I might add), after being in the entertainment business even longer, remaining intact-and after making decisions that work best for me and not others-I know the the affects of damaging words;I can tell you words cut to the bone. Never mind the stick. Never mind the stone.
And here is the kicker. I have been just as guilty of the word that has cut to the bone. It was a flippant remark-more based on my opinion and certainly not meant to strike a bone. But it did and two days later I found myself face to face with the person I offended-feeling shameful for not thinking before I opened my mouth-feeling remorseful because I could see the trace evidence of my stupidity on this person’s face. It was not so much anger as it was disappointment. I begged for forgiveness and that feeling has never left me. This was years ago-and the situation left a mark so much so -that now, even when I am angriest or disgusted at someone’s lack of or ignorance-I think, I stop and think before I set off a verbal missile. The take away is also this: I have discovered the value of my words and the importance of not wasting them. Note to self: This also has allowed me the grace to well, just shut up and listen more. It is amazing what I hear. And, my slice of humble pie has been served up many times-and for that matter-I have chosen wisely on how best to serve it…
I despise people who lie. Those who ask you to coffee, look at you with the greatest of ease and for whatever reason, lie. Even when confronted with the truth. It’s been my biggest regret in the entertainment world and the only reason I have yet to go into politics. Now don’t go all elitist on me, some of you are saying. There is always a time to lie, you’ll say. Or you’ll accuse me of lying every now and then-because after all, I am human. Or my favorite? You’re an actor, you lie for a living! And, yes, I have lied-and while the lie may have sounded delicious on the way out, I can assure you the after taste was bitter and, well, just kept repeating on me. A long time ago I made a deal with myself to tell the truth. When I lived through the casualties of what lies can do, I strengthened the deal. When I had a daughter, I vowed to be more earnest in that quest. When I began caring for my mother as she was dying, the harsh reality of truth and the commitment to it was depleting-but worth it. You simply can not lie in the face of death-however long the process. Which in turn made me realize even more how you simply can not lie in the face of life. As life changes and we deal with loved ones who battle emotional scars-there is no room for even the hint of a lie. The harsh light of truth can bare witness to life changes. The more committed I came to telling the truth-the more committed I came to being honest with myself-which made it so much more easier to be honest with others-even if I did not want to-especially when I did not want to.
I think back to so many things my mother used to say. She hated to be lied to. She felt it was an insult to her character and a waste of her time.
“I can deal with anything”, she would say. “Just put it all on the table-and let me have the choice of dealing with it.”
I am certain I feel the same way. Especially now in these years of who I am. Now in these days of not wanting to be right-but just to be present.
Just put it on the table. All of it.
Here is the other thing I begin to notice. People know if you know they are not being honest. Once caught in the web of little white lies-or enormous ones that leave a mark-people know-and you begin to see less of them-or better yet-they simply go away. Recently though, I made the decision to save them the trouble-and quietly, and politely let them go.